I Resign: The Queen’s Gambit and The Psychology of Self-Sabotage
The Queen’s Gambit
One of things that helped me through 2020 was The Queen’s Gambit. Sixty-two million households watched in its first month making it Netflix’s biggest show ever. And aside from being a great show, it made me ponder the following life question: Why do we sabotage ourselves?
The Queen’s Gambit is a story of Beth Harmon, orphaned after her father left and her mother, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, presumably kills herself. She’s raised in a home for girls where she learns to play chess from the custodian. Beth is no ordinary chess player. She is a prodigy of the highest order. She begins playing tournaments and demolishing everyone she faces. It’s soon clear she has the potential to become the best in the world. Standing in her way is Vasily Borgov, the undefeated Russian Grandmaster. But before their big match, she self-destructs, staying out all night and drinking, she shows up late to the match, hung-over and frazzled. And she loses.
Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?
Does this sound familiar? While probably not as dramatic, most of us have had experiences where we undermine ourselves from realizing our potential. It’s like resigning in game of chess when we haven’t actually lost. Why do we sabotage ourselves like this? As a Psychotherapist and Coach I have come across two explanations. Both are rooted in our early lives.
To protect ourselves from failure. If our identity and self-worth depends on a successful outcome we will go through great lengths to “win” or we will give ourselves an out if we can’t. This is all about how we were taught to view “failure”, as learning or as an evaluation of us as people. Thanks to our parents, coaches, and peer groups most of us received subtle (and in some cases blatant) messages that winning was an important measure of our worth. And many of us internalized this message. So we take on easier challenges, give less than 100%, cut corners or bail before the end. This gives us the “I didn’t really try my hardest” out, leaving our egos intact if we don’t succeed.
To maintain a subconscious connection with important people. These are usually our parents. Subconsciously, we don’t want to leave them behind by surpassing their achievements. In doing so we would give up our chances of getting the love and support we yearned for but didn’t get from them. We would be disloyal. And if you had a narcissistic parent in your life, their fragile sense of self-worth would, in fact, be threatened by you outdoing them.
In Beth’s case, her biological mother was a brilliant mathematician whose bi-polar disorder made it difficult for her to have a healthy relationship or career. Beth’s adopted mother was a talented piano player who couldn’t find the courage to perform in front of audiences and drank to numb life’s disappointments. Beth would be leaving her mothers behind if she gave up pills and drinking and prevailed as the best chess player in the world.
How Can We Overcome Our Saboteurs?
So how do we overcome these self-saboteurs and achieve our potential?
First, we need to right our relationship to failure and see it as something that does not define our self-worth. If you are raising a child, impart this message early. Praise effort not outcome, make it about having fun and learning rather than being good or winning I was very conscious about this as I gave my six-year-old daughter her first chess lesson this morning. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on Growth Mindset offers a deeper dive into this.
Next, we must accept that we will never be able to get the love and support we did not get in the past and understand that we are holding ourselves back in hopes of getting it. It’s painful and lonely and there is grieving to do. But it’s what we need to do to move forward.
Lastly, we need to find the love and support in the here and now, both from ourselves and others. This will give us the strength and confidence to leave the connections behind, be ok with failing, and ultimately perform our best. SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t watched Queen’s Gambit yet and don’t want to know what happens in the end skip this next sentence. Beth finally prevails. And in her breakthrough those who supported her along the way come together to help her realize her potential.
Don’t Resign When You haven’t Lost
As we enter this new year I want to ask you a question: How have you been holding yourself back from realizing your potential? Is fear of failure or fear of losing connection, or some combination of the two at play? I hope you will use the three steps above to help you get closer to your potential. Don’t resign when you haven’t lost.